right for Hunter

Monday, October 21, 2013

lasting memories

Tonight I am going to get a tattoo in memory of both Hunter and Dexter. I took their urns to the crematorium at lunch and had them take a little of their ashes out to mix in with the tattoo ink. This is what I am getting

I am going to take their collars so it will look like theirs. I kind of feel like I need to do this for some reason. Dennis on the other hand is NOT happy about it at all. He will get over it. He is not big on tattoos but he told me he didn't mind if I got one for the boys after Hunter first passed away. Now he is coming up with excuses why it isn't the right time.

Sunday would have been Hunter's 13th adoption day. We are going to do something but we aren't sure what just yet. It kind of depends on the weather. We will probably go to our favorite pizza place (Hunt loved pizza) and get some to go and eat at the park we always took him for pictures. It will be a hard day for me but I hope to be able to make a good day out of it.

God I miss that boy.

Monday, September 30, 2013

leukemia and my crazy Dexter

I know this blog is about Hunter but shortly before our very short battle with lymphoma, we had to deal with watching another one of our babies waste away from leukemia

I knew losing Hunter would be hard no matter what, but this summer has been the absolute worse summer of my entire life. That is no exaggeration.

This is Dexter. He was also a sick little puppy that I rescued. I was on my way to work and he ran out from underneath my truck. I will never forget I was wearing a brand new pair of khakis and I got them dirty picking him up. Instead of heading to work I just took him to the vet.

I knew from past experience that he probably had mange (it has a smell to it) like Hunter did and that it is expensive and time consuming to treat. I dropped "the puppy" off and went to work. I got a call later that day that he did have mange and I told them they were going to have to put him to sleep. I already had 3 dogs and I just didn't have the money to treat him. I hung up the phone, called Dennis and immediately called the vet back and said I wanted to keep him, of course she knew that was going to happen. We named him Dexter.

He was socialized pretty well, not like Hunter but no dog is ever socialized to the level that spoiled big guy was, I took him out a lot as a puppy. However, Dexter was not a normal dog. We ended up taking him to a vet behaviorist and putting him on medication for severe anxiety. I was his anchor and he felt safest when he was with me snuggled up in bed. It was pretty much the only time his mind shut off and he was able to rest. His chin would literally tremble he would get so worked up. We still suspect he had seizures but the testing would have been too much for him.

Around spring we noticed he had started to lose weight. We went through the normal rationals of it getting warmer, him getting older, etc. I took him to the vet on May 2 because I knew something was wrong. It never occurred to me that it was anything serious.

He had lost 12 pounds in 4 weeks. Dr. Reed knew right away something was seriously wrong. She looked at his gums and told me he was anemic and they took him back to do blood work. When she came into the exam room she started spouting off numbers and results and I just sat there and pretended to understand what was being said. I think it took me 10 minutes to realize she was telling me my crazy boy had leukemia. He was desperately in need of a blood transfusion.

Dennis was at work so I called him in hysterics telling him we had to get Dex to the emergency hospital for the blood transfusion and figure out what we were going to do. When Dennis got there he rationalized with me, reminding me of how scared Dexter was of everything and that if I had to leave him it would be the worse thing we could do for him. So, we decided to take him home and let him live out his life where he was most comfortable. Dr. Reed said he would probably have 2 weeks.

Dr. Heather, Hunter's acupuncture doctor told me to feed Dex bloody organ meat to help with the anemia. So I cooked liver and kidneys and bought a bunch of steak scraps from the butcher (and wanted to pull my sinuses out and burn my house down to get rid of the smell) and fed it to him 3 times a day. I also got him double cheeseburgers, corn dogs, hot dogs, you name it. That boy ate very well and he was always hungry.

Every day I would wake up and tell him "nope, today isn't the day" but one day I got up out of bed and he didn't spring up and follow me. I sent Dennis a text and told him "today might be the day". I took him to the garage to feed him his organ meat and I sat down with him and told him that if he was ready to go not to stay for me. I will miss him more than he will ever know but I don't like to see him so sick. I told him that I will never forget him.

That was May 14, 12 days after his diagnosis. I got home from work and he was acting like his normal self. I felt a sense of relief. He went outside one last time, came in jumped up on the couch right beside me and passed away. I know he waited for me because he was scared. I got home at 4:30 and he was gone by 4:45.

So you see I am pretty much at my limit when it comes to loss. This doesn't even take into account the death of a very good friend from work 2 months to the day after Dexter passed.

This was after he got sick, he aged really quickly. He was only 10.

Always a little sneaker when it came to food. I took him to the behavior specialist which is about an hour away, he helped me eat my lunch.

Playing with Libby and Foster

Baby picture, snuggles with his older brother.

He wanted to order for himself.

excuse the horrible picture of me. This was in his final days and I just couldn't make myself get out of bed to go to work and leave him. We literally snuggled this close every night.

We met this kid at an art action for an animal charity. The kid was 16. We didn't win the custom artwork but we got his contact information and I gave him my photo album password and let him pick from all the dogs pictures which one he wanted to do. This picture of Dexter was what he picked. He did a really good job of capturing the depth in his eyes.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

The hard decision

So I had a long talk with Hunter on Wednesday night. I told him that of course he is the love of my life and if the hard decision to have him undergo chemo was up to me and daddy, we were all for it. Was this the right decision for him? No idea but I had to try it for me. Again, was this the right decision for Hunter. As we finished our talk, me in a complete breakdown, he laid down in front of me and sighed. I told him that I loved him more than the world and would try to make the right choice for him and not for me. I had been begging someone to take these hard choices away from me.

Thursday I had a meeting at work, nothing out of the ordinary. I had packed my lunch and left it in the fridge at home so I could slip some goodies to my big boy. I was a little later getting home than normal. I unlocked the door and I couldn't get the door to open. I thought maybe one of the (7 year old) puppies was jumping up against the door but it turns out my big guy Hunter had crawled up in front of the door sometime after I left for work and passed away. I shook him, I screamed at him, I picked him up and rocked him but life as I know it was over. He had heard me and made the decisions for me. That is how much he loves me. I called Dennis at work and told him that Hunter and I needed him home, that our boy was gone.

When Dennis got home we sat together and held him soaking him in our tears. We were in shock because all the vets told us months, but we were kind of relieved that we no longer had to have the chemo talks.

We held him for what was probably an hour but felt like minutes. We made the call to companions forever, the pet crematorium and loaded him up for his last car ride. I help him and sang to him the entire trip. Leaving him was he hardest thing ever. Thank god this place is amazing. We may be able to pick him up on Monday. I am sure Dennis will have to go with me. It was so hard when I got Dexter.

Yesterday Dennis brought home a bunch of balloons and had us write memories of our boy down and release them. It was hard to even let the balloons go but now when I talk to him I look up in sky where he balloons disappeared. I know he can hear me.

As I was laying in bed a few mornings ago I came across a quote that sums up how I feel perfectly

" I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life"